(Preloved Wrapped) HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN & LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALKAdele Faber, Elaine Mazlish
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A Timeless, Beloved Book On How To Effectively Communicate With Your Child.
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★★More Than 3 Million Copies Sold !★★
★★30th Anniversary Edition : Updated With New Insight From The Next Generation ★★
The ultimate “parenting bible” (The Boston Globe) — a timeless, beloved book on how to effectively communicate with your child from the #1 New York Times bestselling authors.
In this international bestseller, discover the number one practical guide to family life. Here is the bestselling book that will give you the know-how you need to be more effective with your children – and more supportive of yourself.
Parenting experts Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish provide effective step by step techniques to help you improve and enrich your relationships with your children. Enthusiastically praised by parents and professionals around the world, the down-to-earth, respectful approach of Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish makes relationships with chidren of all ages less stressful and more rewarding.
Internationally acclaimed experts on communication between parents and children, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish “are doing for parenting today what Dr. Spock did for our generation” ( Parent Magazine). Now, this bestselling classic includes fresh insights and suggestions as well as the author’s time-tested methods to solve common problems and build foundations for lasting relationships, including innovative ways to:
● Cope with your child’s negative feelings, such as frustration, anger, and disappointment
● Express your strong feelings without being hurtful
● Engage your child’s willing cooperation
● Set firm limits and maintain goodwill
● Use alternatives to punishment that promote self-discipline
● Understand the difference between helpful and unhelpful praise
● Resolve family conflicts peacefully
Enthusiastically praised by parents and professionals around the world, the down-to-earth, respectful approach of Faber and Mazlish makes relationships with children of all ages less stressful and more rewarding. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk is an excellent communication tool kit based on a series of workshops developed by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
Faber and Mazlish (coauthors of Siblings Without Rivalry) provide a step-by-step approach to improving relationships in your house. The “Reminder” pages, helpful cartoon illustrations, and excellent exercises will improve your ability as a parent to talk and problem-solve with your children.
The book can be used alone or in parenting groups, and the solid tools provided are appropriate for kids of all ages. The classic parenting book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk has been around more than 30 years and has been called “the parenting bible” by The Boston Globe (and a bazillion other outlets).
The only thing dated about this advice is the testimonials from parents who claim that — before understanding authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s insights on communicating with kids — they would have simply “smacked” them.
Here are How to Talk’s 3 most actionable takeaways:
1. Accept and Acknowledge Your Kid’s Feelings :
– The Way Kids Feel Affects Their Behavior.
Emotions drive behavior, even when that behavior is baffling to you because you don’t understand why a carrot pointing the “wrong” way on a child’s plate is cause for a total meltdown (just an example). Identifying the emotion behind the behavior in question is the first step toward addressing any problems that behavior creates.
– Denying a Kid’s Feelings Can Exacerbate Problems.
You want them to trust their emotions, so don’t give them a reason to doubt themselves. Why the carrot is making them freak out is much more important than how ridiculous it is that they’re freaking out in the first place. Punishment is a top-down system that demoralizes when what you really want is to enlighten and instruct.
– What You Can Do With This
◆ Imagine complaining to a friend about something at work and they respond by a) blaming you; b) questioning your reaction; c) offering unsolicited advice; d) offering fake pity; e) psychoanalyzing you — you’d probably be annoyed. So, yeah. Don’t do that to your kid.
◆ Show them you’re tuned into how they feel with non-judgmental verbal cues: “I see that shoelace is giving you a hard time.”
◆ Give their feelings names: “That stubborn shoelace is frustrating, isn’t it?
◆ View the situation they’re in from their perspective as opposed to your own, and they won’t see you as part of the problem that they’re acting out over.
2. Instead of Punishing, Encourage Cooperation :
– Bad Behavior Is a Problem, Not a Character Flaw.
If your response to their misbehavior makes them feel badly about themselves, you’ve taken the focus off a situation that can be improved and put it on something a lot more complicated — or did you want to take a deep dive into their psyche while they’re trying to pull the tail off the dog?
– Punishments Create More Problem Than They Solve
Contrived consequences like time-outs and grounding can modify behavior in the short term, but they don’t teach a kid much because you don’t get any buy-in from the kid. It’s a top-down system that demoralizes when what you really want is to enlighten and instruct.
– What You Can Do With This
◆ Use descriptions rather than declarations. Instead of saying, “You better not throw that water on the floor,” try “I see a lot of water on the floor.”
◆ Give information about the problem rather than accusations. Instead of saying, “You’re ruining the floor,” try “Water on the floor can seep through and ruin the ceiling below.”
◆ Make it about you. Since you’re already talking to your kid about their emotions (you are, right?), talk about your own while you’re at it. Make sure they understand how their behavior makes you feel and how it affects you.
◆ Brainstorm solutions with them. Write down all the suggestions, even the ridiculous ones. Then eliminate the ones that definitely won’t work (“No, we can’t make your sister live in the basement”) until you can come up with a compromise.
3. Encourage Autonomy and Self-Confidence :
– Don’t Coddle
Dependence ultimately fosters feelings of helplessness, resentment, and frustration — but you don’t need to be told that because you know some of these people as adults.
– You Can Definitely Praise Too Much.
Kids need affirmation to build a healthy degree of self-esteem but don’t overdo it or they could wind up feeling like the world owes them everything they want. There’s a spectrum that starts at “confident” and ends at “entitled” — aim for the former.
– What You Can Do With This
◆ Empower them with choices. You don’t have to give them free rein; just a number of you-approved options, like when they’re picking out their clothes or starting a list of chores.
◆ Respect a kid’s struggle and encourage them to try. Doing it for them removes their agency in the world, which is even more frustrating than, say, a stubborn shoelace that won’t stay tied.
◆ Complex questions are an opportunity to explore something, so don’t brush them off with oversimplified answers. Ask them why they asked and what they think.
◆ Don’t bullshit them when you don’t know something; encourage them to ask friends or family who might have a better answer.
◆ Praise generously, but wisely. Be specific and descriptive when doling it out; instead of “You’re a great artist!” try “I like how the zig-zags follow the squiggles — how did you think of that?”
◆ Appreciate their work and effort, not their traits. This shows kids evidence of their own talents and lets them draw their own conclusions about what they might do with those talents. Otherwise, you’re confining them by telling them who and what they are.
About the Author
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish are #1 New York Times bestselling and award-winning authors whose books have sold more than five million copies and have been translated into over thirty languages. The authors’ group workshop programs and videos are currently being used by thousands of parent and teacher groups around the world. They currently reside in Long Island, New York and each is the parent of three children.
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